A sample of the drunken offline messages I get:

Jeff: Alvis!

I know you’re asleep

and having that recurring dream where you are running naked through a forest of penis-shaped trees, being chased by a huge monster that resembles a penis.

He nearly catches you and stabs you with his gilded penis-like broadsword, but you get away and stumble upon a cave that resembles a vagina.

Something about the cave sickens and scares you so you decide to face the penis monster once and for all.

The monster races towards you.

Then you wake up crying. AGAIN.

:-|